A simple life

In highschool, I was required to speak to a counselor regarding what I was going to do next.
Life after the hell that was highschool.


The whole "what do I want to do with my life" is such a huge question, I've never had an awnser for it. I wanted to be an elementary school teacher when I was in elementary school because I thought my teachers were really nice people and wanted to help me, so I thought it would be nice to be really nice and help people. I was naive.
In highschool, I wanted to be a corner/mortician. I don't know why. I was goth, so that was why. I also wanted to drive a hearse, but ended up with my grandmas old car which I still drive today.

I then wanted to be a crime scene investigator, or I wanted to work for the FBI/CIA.
Obviously none of this happened. After highschool, I did dabble in wanting to be a pharmacist, and decided to get a job/go to school to be a licensed pharmacy tech. That was horrible. I hated it. I thought that being a tech would give me a good idea of what it was like behind the counter, and tell me if I should go to school to be a pharmacist. The power levels are different if you're the one running the techs, but I was treated like so much shit during my internship that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with the field.

I also have studied psychology pretty extensively (which is why im still in college, i keep shifting between english/psych...) and thought it would be productive, satisfying, and helpful to become a therapist. I often end up playing therapist for my friends, just because I want to help them. (A few "friends" have abused my knowledge of psych and expect me to be their therapist for everything. Feels bad, man.) However, I think that there is a lot of responsibility in helping someone examine their life and reflect on it like this, as well as opening up their issues for inspection... I think maybe this isn't for me to do. I am terrified of the damage I could possibly accidentally cause. I could not live with myself if I hurt anyone like that. Sometimes you have clients who are in a really dark place in their lives, and your actions could possibly make it a darker place. I don't want the possibility of adding to something horrible in their life, but I do wish I could help them and guide them to healing and happiness..

More recently I decided that I thought it would be "nice" to work in a library, and be surrounded by books all day. Except, I wouldn't be *reading* them... so, the entire point is missing from that equation. I also thought it would be nice to be able to research things while at work (something I can do now, as well). I don't know... it still isn't exactly what I want from my life.

Their little test to see what field I should go into in college was this:
What would I do all day if I didn't have to work? If money weren't an object?
I didn't really apply that test when I said I wanted to be those things. I wouldn't dig around in corpses, or measure out the linear projectile path of a bullet, or put pills in bottles.
It turns out I wanted to do what I want to do now all day.
For the last 2 years of highschool, I was able to get into a program that was much more like "college"- I could take actual JC college classes that would count as 3x credits in high school. I would show up once a week, homework in hand, getting the next assignment and going home.
Then I would do nothing all day except hang out on the internet, and do my homework at the absolute last minute.

I did pretty much nothing all day... because I wanted to do nothing all day. That is still my preferred thing to do.

People are critical of this, they think that I'm wasting my life or not doing anything with it. I don't know that it even matters that I do anything with my life.
I want to learn as much as I possibly can, and teach myself everything I can. I think that learning as much as I can is something valuable and worth doing. Hell, i think it's the POINT my existence. I wish I could spend all of my time just following what interests me, and doing what I want to do all day, every day.
I want to read my pile of books. Closely. I want to know everything about the book Im reading, the meaning, the symbolism, etc. I want to learn more about mythology, or botany, or music theory, or video game history/easter eggs. I want to play videogames all day, and consume them the way I would consume a masterful novel. I want to examine what I loved about them, and what could be better. I want to paint, I want to draw. I want to write the great american novel. I want to practice, practice, practice on my violin until my fingers hurt and I finally nail the song I have been trying to learn. I want to learn piano. I want to keep going to school. Forever. I want to be a life long learner, and fill my head with anything it will accept. I want to question things around me, and improve them. I want to be happy.

I want to never have the stress of doing something "right" or having to have everything perfect.

I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck (what I'm doing)to pay the bills... I don't want to spend all day in a place where I'm not really appreciated, or my personality has to be 1 dimensional and I'm constantly worried about fucking up. I don't want a life where my need to make money to pay my bills and eat is only met by sacrificing all of my time and how I present myself. It's a bit soulcrushing. My job isn't bad for what it is, but the nature of "jobs" has always been a bit of soul-crushing to me. Especially faceless office cogs... or the guards that "protect" their empty cubicles while they're at home asleep. I don't want to be that cog, I don't want that life. (although I am the guard, somehow, through some strange set of circumstances. And I am somewhat happy with doing what I do now...)

I am stuck between my desires, what I want in my life, and the need to be practical (surprisingly, most people I know don't have this, they do what I wish I could do all day and "waste their day" pursuing their interests while being supported by their parents still. I love living on my own, having my own place, where I can smoke whenever I want in the open, where I can keep all of my things, and where everything is put where I like it to be. I absolutely love the independence. I don't love the need to work for chump change/peanuts in order to pull it off.

So tell me, what is the piratical implication of my "talents" / and interests? I want to continue to eat so I can pursue my interests, and have a place to do them in.
(I felt a bit like this in highschool, that it was unfair that I, as a law-abiding citizen would have to work my ass off just for room and board, but if I did something to get myself arrested I'd get that shit free and could hang out in the prison library all day. I didn't quite understand how all that worked out and was naive. Anyway...)

I need money to keep doing what I want to do. It's just a fact. It is not out of greed. I am not a greedy person. I don't believe I live beyond my means (although I should cut back a bit and save some money for practicality). I maybe live a little beyond my means, but that is because I want to live. I like steak, I want to eat it, I think I miss out in my life if I'm not eating a good steak every once in awhile.

I am a simple person: I want to purse my interests. I want to live the way I want to live and not be too preoccupied with the pratical aspects of money to actually enjoy my life. It seems pointless. I do not need a lot of money. Enough for food, for rent/living situation, for the basic living expenses (power, bearbones cell phone, internet connection, gas, food.) I just want my food, my bed, a place to put my collections and books, and some weed. (If you think weed is a luxury, look at the steak. I feel that I am missing out on something lovely in my life if I'm not doing it, and it significantly improves my standard of living and quality of life. It has made the world a much better place for me, and I love it.)

Among other things, I like to dream that a blog like this would get big, and I would be able to update it and allow it to follow me as I follow what I love in life.
I like to imagine that we live in a world where someone like me can get by, die happy, and feel accomplished (even if my desired accomplishments aren't considered accomplishments by most people.) I want to be who I am and love myself, and not have to sacrifice any aspects of who I am in order to continue living my life. As I said, it seems pointless to live just to keep living, without having much reason to continue on. I think it is so sad to allow your livelyhood to overtake your actual dreams in life, but I feel that it must be done to live in our society.
I want to find my cozy niche in this cold and indifferent world and be appreciated for who I am and allowed to study what I want, do what I want, and live my life the way I wish I could.

I don't know what to do, or how to make my life the way I want it to be. I hope that I find out someday, because I want to live in a world where this is possible. It is too soul crushing to think that it is impossible in this world to live ones life the way you wish to live.
I am happy with my life, now. I wish I could spend more time doing the things I want to do and that make me happy. And that I could spend less time doing the things I have to do in order to do the things I want to do.

I hope there is a place for me in the world, and I hope I can find it soon.
I feel like I am wasting my time by not doing the things I love to do.

Well, thank you for reading all of this.
I think a lot of people can relate to these very basic and simple human/intellectual desires. That gives me a bit of hope that I can at least find like-minded people, which is a rare asset in this world.
I hope you find your place too in this crazy world, and I also hope you find happiness.